Breaking Free from the Trap of “Should”
How often do you catch yourself saying, “I should do this..”, “I should be more patient.”, or “I shouldn’t feel this way”? The word “should” might seem harmless, but it can create unnecessary pressure, guilt, and resistance. Overusing “should” can be counterproductive. We can shift our toward a mindful approach.
From a mindfulness perspective, should often represents a fixed idea of how things “ought” to be.
It’s another way we fight reality as it is instead of responding to situations with kindness and curiosity.
The fact is – should is a shame based statement that creates anxiety in the body and mind.
Should suggests there is a specific, correct way to do things. It places ourselves outside the circle of this supposedly correct way of being or doing.
Let’s explore a few ways to shift our mindset around “should” so we can be more mindful.
There are two ways we use should – often it is in self talk, and when we use it with others.
“Should” Creates Pressure and Guilt
• When we tell ourselves we should do something, it often comes with an underlying sense of failure or inadequacy.
• Instead of motivating us, it can make us feel stuck, overwhelmed, anxious or guilty.
• Example: “I should wake up early to meditate” vs. “I want to wake up early because it helps me feel grounded.”
Should can make us feel like we are lacking, like we aren’t good enough as we are.
Should statements aren’t bad by nature, but they usually fail to inspire us and result in negative emotions. This not only leads to increased stress, but also decreases productivity – especially if we are feeling obligated to do something we don’t actually want to do. Talk about demotivating.
“Should” Disconnects Us from the Present Moment
• “Should” is often based on an idealized version of ourselves rather than our current reality.
• It keeps us focused on what we think we need to be rather than accepting where we are.
it’s suggests that we are supposed to be something other than what we are doing or have done. Perhaps that whatever it is we have been doing is unworthy or meaning less.
• Mindfulness is about meeting ourselves as we are, not forcing ourselves into an expectation.
Our general inclination is to be focusing on what is, rather than what should be.
Should creates negativity. When you focus on how things should be, you’re more likely to be frustrated or disappointed when reality doesn’t match our expectations. This can lead to negative emotions and stress.
Should is a distraction from the present. Instead of being fully present with our experience, we are preoccupied with a desired future strate. This is pulling us away from mindfulness.
“Should” Often Comes from External Expectations
• Many of our “shoulds” come from societal norms, family pressures, or comparison to others.
• When we blindly follow these, we lose touch with our own inner compass. What really matters to us. When we pursue a path of mindfulness, we choose to listen to our inner selves, to follow our own heart.
When life doesn’t align with our “should” it can lead to frustration, disappointment, and negative emotions that also contribute to our sufferring.
Should suggests that there is a duty, obligation or correct way to live your life for the comfort of others looking in from the outside.
When we tell other people they should:
This type of should often reflects a desire to control situations and people, which we know in our hearts that we can’t do. Impermanence can help us to know that everything is ever changing, and whatever this situation is will not be this way forever. We can apply patience instead of leaning into control.
We all have choices, and we can notice when we are imposing “should” on others. We all get to design the life we want, and there is no formula for the exact right way to be in the world. Just as we don’t want others to tell us what to do, it’s often reflexive for us to tell other people what they should do.
Should is a judgement. This is contrary to accepting the present moment without critiquing it.
Should can create anxiety. Constantly judging ourselves against a “should” standard can contribute to self criticism and anxious feelings, which we are trying to decrease when we practice mindfulnes.
The word implies that you have an obligation to complete an action, and there is also an implied consequence if you fail to to this – even if that consequence is that you should be “doing better’ in some way.
Shifting the should mindset:
- Question the should. When “I should” pops up in your mind, we can question it.
-Where did I get the idea that I should do this?
-Is that an external or societal expectation that I feel I need to live up to?
-Does it match up with my values and priorities? Maybe this is something you feel pressured to do that is NOT a priority for you personally.
Simply questioning why the should is there can help to untangle it.
If the “should is something we truly wish to do:
- Reframe “Should” with Self-Compassion
We can notice our should and choose a new word to realign with how we really feel
• Instead of “should,” try using “I choose to,” “I will” “I want to,” or “I am working on.”
• Shifting our language creates a sense of agency and self-kindness.
• Example: “I should be more productive” → “I want to take small steps toward my goals today.”
• Example: “I should always be calm” vs. “I am working on responding to stress differently.”
Instead of dwelling on what “should” be, we can observe out thoughts and feelings without judgement. This allows for a more accepting and mindful approach.
Observe and focus on acceptance when “should” arises. Acknowledge that our thoughts and emotions are normal human responses and allow them to move along without clinging or resisting.
The way we talk to ourselves shapes our experience. Replacing “should” with more mindful, compassionate language helps to free ourselves from unnecessary guilt and pressure. The next time you catch yourself in a “should” statement, pause and ask: “Is this truly serving me?”
We can let our deepest held values and priorities be the authority figures in our lives. You can let go of shoulds that don’t align with these. Things we truly wish to incorporate into our lives can be reframed as I will or I am working on, so we have self compassion for the work in progress that we all are. Mindfulness is a journey with many paths. Reducing the “shoulds” in our lives is one step.