We often try to push away thoughts and feelings we don’t like. Alternatively, we get mad about them. We all have our habits of mind, conditioned way of handling things. Until we consciously decide to do this differently, we will remain stuck in our patterns of reactivity.
Emotions are information. They are designed to help us make decisions that protect us and keep us safe.
Positive emotions reinforce us to continue actions that ensure our safety and happiness. This means saying yes to being with friends. It also means achieving success and feeling cared for.
Negative emotions are just the opposite. They are designed to show us what we need to do differently.
What we should avoid. Anger shows us something is going wrong. Fear, worry and anxiety – protective. “Stay away from that! This won’t end well!” So negative emotions aren’t inherently bad as we often tend to characterize them. We need the information that negative emotions are showing us. Even if we don’t like how it feels. Because they also often set off our fight or flight reaction, which doesn’t feel good.
It’s helpful if we can remember that in and of themselves, even our most difficult feelings are not bad things. They serve a purpose.
Mindfulness suggests that we turn TOWARDS difficult thoughts and feelings as a path to releasing them.
You may know the classic Buddhist story of inviting Mara in for tea. Buddha saw the demon god Mara trying to tempt him into greed, anger, and doubt. Instead of pushing Mara away, he invited her in for tea. Mara would inevitably leave because their tactics weren’t working. Which is the allegory for being with, even befriending, difficult feelings instead of pushing them away.
“Our pain is not a punishment. It’s a doorway.”
Mark Nepo
We all know the scene from the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy and her crew enter the Wizard’s castle.
They see the big face and he’s bellowing. I AM OZ! Then Toto runs and pulls back the curtain. He reveals a simple old man running the controls. The man then says the infamous line “PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN”. His whole persona is upended, he’s nothing to be afraid of, and then he actually helps them.
This is what it is to befriend our emotions. They can be scary, bellowing things that aren’t necessarily true, and we totally think of them as real. Like Toto, we can pull back the curtain if we befriend our emotional life. The key to letting go of difficult emotions is actually turning toward them.
Scientific studies have shown that accepting difficult feelings helps to release them. There was one study done with people who had an anxiety disorder. They did MRIs before and after training them to sit with their feelings. The post MRIs showed a decrease in the anxiety brain pattern. There was also less response in the amygdala, which is where the fight or flight reaction begins.
This is one of the hardest things we can learn.
It’s totally contrary to our ingrained ways of being.
These are STRONG mental habits.
OBSTACLES TO BEFRIENDING OUR FEELINGS:
Suppressing
-When we don’t acknowledge, don’t allow, shoving feelings down
Ignoring
-Ignoring doesn’t make things go away. Very commonly people distract by numbing with food, alcohol, shopping. This leads to distractions – even positive ones like escaping into a tv show binge. I have a friend who ALWAYS is remodeling her house. She says “oh, you know, I need a project”. It’s a distraction.
Indulging
-Believing the story and letting it overwhelm us. It can seem like you are befriending, but it’s when you go further and let this story be in charge. Maybe getting into ruminating, catastrophizing, obsessive thought.
Antidoting
-Putting a neutralizing thought on the feeling. You might say I’m fine or it’s no big deal. This avoids allowing and accepting the feelings.
We are meeting and being with our feelings. Sitting with them, not trying to fix.
How do we befriend our feelings?
1) Meeting them:
Recognize the difficulty. I see you. This simple act is turning towards instead of pushing away.
We drop into meditation, finding our center. Feelings will arise. There is always SOME level of emotion going on for us when we take time to notice it.
Just sit and allow whatever feeling tone that is present to arise. Maybe it’s contentment – it doesn’t have to be something difficult. For now we are just noticing what is present in this moment.
Think of yourself as the host at a banquet. We hold the door open and see what arrives.
When we continue to train our awareness, we are better able to notice what is coming up in the moment. The more we notice, the more we can make space to notice difficulty.
2) Being with them
This is where we don’t suppress or ignore, indulge or antidote. Just say yes to what arises and be with it.
Naming it can help. “Saying I see you, worry.” Jack Kornfeld likes to say name what is arising – “Yes, this is boredom arising. Anger arising, contentment arising.” Let go of expectations. There is no goal here, nothing to do. Just BE, noticing what feelings are present. Not judging.
This can be very difficult. It might be enough to stay here, watching different feelings arise and just being. That itself is a practice. We can know this thought is not us, it’s just a thought. It’s temporary, and ephemeral thing that will change.
Apply the lens of kindness and compassion. That’s the idea of making tea – offering kindness. If difficult feelings arise, know that all humans experience difficult feelings sometimes. You are not alone. Kindness is most definitely a balm, smoothing over what it encounters.
3. Waiting
We wait. Drop in, feel the feeling. Turn towards it. Relax. Just be here.
Practice patience.
If you feel your agenda turning to fixing or solving, let that go. There is nothing to do except to be with our feelings.
No forcing, no pushing, just being.
4. Getting Curious
We can also bring in curiosity. There is often something underneath strong feelings that we might not even be aware of.
Emotions are information.
Anger, for example, is a secondary emotion. We don’t simply become angry for nothing. Some thing makes us angry.
Anger is triggered by 3 things – HEN. Hurt. Expectations not met. Needs not met.
When we get angry we can bring this up. Am I hurt? Are my expectations not met? Are my needs not met? And perhaps see what is lying underneath the anger.
“Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.”
Ranier maria rilke
Once you are able to just be, your feelings may open up to you. They may have something to say. Our feelings have an innate intelligence. It’s important not to push, not to expect, not to drop into too much effort.
This may not happen in one session. This takes time. Maybe you open the door a little bit today. Or maybe a corner of a difficult feeling will wear down. Maybe there is a small adjacent feeling that can be let go of.
Once we befriend anything, we are less afraid. Over time, they can loosen and dissipate. Maybe they aren’t scary if they were difficult feelings. We can clear the difficult feelings simply by allowing them to be and gain some lightness.